OpenAI’s GPT-3 neural network has been trained on so much data, and has so many parameters, that you can coax decent material out of it without even fine-tuning it for a particular type of writing. I just unambiguously told it I wanted to read scenes The Office and this is what it gave me.
(My prompts are in bold. Anything that’s NOT bold was written by the AI. Sorry, I have no idea who KATE is)
THE OFFICE Season 5 Episode 14, “Loss Prevention”
Written by Paul Lieberstein and Mindy Kaling
MICHAEL: Everybody! Conference room! Now!
[INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY]
We see Michael, Andy, Dwight, Jim, Pam, Meredith, Creed, Stanley and Erin in the conference room. Michael is wearing a chicken costume.
MICHAEL: (in chicken outfit) I’m afraid I have to apologize for my behavior earlier today. It was inappropriate of me to act that way towards you all.
Erin looks at him with surprise and then turns away from him.
PAM: Oh, okay…I just didn’t want to be around when he did it again…(sigh) Okay, so what do we do?
JIM: Well, I think we should leave. I mean…we’re all kind of stuck here right now and I dunno if he’s even going to show up or not. Besides, we’ve got things to do around the office first.
Michael smiles at them both. He notices Jim looking over at Pam who has been staring off into space most of the time since she arrived in the company yesterday afternoon.
JIM: (CON’T) But, I think that you should stay, Pam. You’re the new Senior Manager around here now, so it’s only right that you should run things.
Erin shrugs her shoulders and looks over at Meredith who is also looking a little down and miserable about the fact that they don’t have much to do right now. She sighs and turns back to face the group.
ERIN: Fine, we’ll go. Come on, Meredith.
The pair of them leave the conference room and Michael stands up.
MICHAEL: Well, looks like it’s just you and me, buddy. (holds out hand) You’re looking at the new branch manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Jim holds out his hand and they shake.
JIM: Congratulations, man. I really think you deserve it.
MICHAEL: Oh, I’m sure you’re just saying that. (Sigh) Man…(beat) I am really sorry about earlier though. It was wrong of me to take it out on you guys. I’m just under a lot of pressure right now. And this merger is a big deal. A really big deal. But I’m sure you know that.
MICHAEL: (CON’T) Anyway, I guess we should start planning the next big thing. So…what do you say?
Jim looks over at the door that leads into the rest of the office and then back to Michael.
JIM: Well, I was thinking about it and…I really think it would be best if I left Dunder Mifflin altogether.
Michael’s jaw drops and he is silent for a moment.
MICHAEL: Wait…what? Are you serious?
JIM: I’m sorry, but I think it would be better for everyone involved if I just left. (Sigh) Look, you seem like a nice guy and all, but the fact of the matter is you’re just not the boss I thought you were. I mean…I don’t know. I guess I’m just a little disappointed.
Michael nods his head a bit and sighs.
MICHAEL: Okay…I suppose I understand. But…well…can’t we at least do this together?
JIM: Do what?
Michael pulls out a key and holds it up.
MICHAEL: This! The merger! Let’s do it together, you and me! I mean, we could be co-CEO’s or something. You still stay on as manager of this branch and we just split the duties of being head honcho.
Jim smiles a bit.
JIM: (CON’T) You really want to do that? I mean…I don’t want to get you into trouble. I think you’d do a better job than I ever could.
MICHAEL: Oh, no you don’t! No pity party! Jim, I’m the boss and what I say goes. And right now, I’m saying that you’re staying! (Beat) Now, let’s shake on it!
Jim smiles and the two of them shake on their new business arrangement.
JIM: (CON’T) Well, this is a day I’ll never forget.
MICHAEL: Yeah, me neither. But I have to ask you…why did you really want to leave? What happened?
Jim thinks for a moment and then just gives a simple answer.
JIM: I’ve lost my passion for it, I guess.
Michael nods in response. He’s not going to press the issue any further. He’ll leave it alone.
INT. DINER – DAY
Pam is sitting at a table in the middle of the diner with two empty coffee cups in front of her. She looks a bit tired and is staring off into space when Jim walks over to her.
JIM: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.
PAM: It’s okay. I just got here myself. (Beat) So, you really leaving the company?
JIM: I changed my mind. Michael offered me the position of co-CEO. I thought it would be stupid to turn it down.
Pam shakes her head and lets out a sigh.
PAM: Why do you put up with him? He does this all the time. One minute he wants you to leave and the next he wants you to stay. (Beat) I swear, I wish you would just walk away from that place for good. You’d be so much happier elsewhere.
JIM: Maybe I would…
Pam gives him a look that says she doesn’t agree.
PAM: So…we still on for the wedding?
JIM: You bet. I wouldn’t miss it. (Beat) Just please don’t make me do any dances at it. I already went through that with my mom and cousin Jeanine’s wedding. My feet still hurt.
Pam laughs a bit and then her eyes gaze downward.
JIM: (CON’T) (Sigh) Look, I know you’re disappointed that I turned down the promotion, but I just don’t feel right about it. I mean…I dunno…I guess I’m just not motivated to be some high and might boss type.
Pam nods her head a bit and then reaches for one of the coffee cups. She then pours the remainder on herself.
JIM: (CON’T) Pam, are you okay?
Pam doesn’t answer. She just stares off into space and shakes her head a bit. Jim is starting to worry. He takes her by the shoulders and looks directly into her eyes.
JIM: (CON’T) Pam, come on talk to me. What’s wrong?
Pam continues to stare into space as she speaks.
PAM: (Distant) I’m sorry, Jim.
She then reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She’s pointing it directly at Jim. He takes a step back from her.
JIM: (Whispering) Pam…Pam, what are you doing?
Pam doesn’t answer. Her eyes continue to stare downward. Jim is in shock at this entire situation.
JIM: (CON’T) Pam, you don’t want to do this. Put the gun down. Please.
Pam once again doesn’t answer. She just continues to sit there motionless. Jim takes a deep breath and realizes what he has to do.
JIM: (CON’T) I’m sorry…but this has to end.
Jim takes the gun out of her hand and quickly disassembles it.
JIM: (CON’T) I don’t want you doing something you’ll regret later. You need help, Pam. Please get some.
Jim throws the gun on the floor and walks out of the diner without looking back. He knows that he’s going to have to call the police and explain everything that happened, but that can wait until tomorrow. Right now he just wants to get as far away from this place as he can.
He walks down the street and turns the corner. As he’s walking past an alleyway, two figures approach him from behind.
JIM: (Whispering) It’s best if you two just get the hell out of here. I’m in no mood.
Jim spins around and is met by Dwight and Jim. They both have a look of concern on their faces.
DWIGHT: Are you alright, brother? We heard what happened in there.
JIM: (Sigh) Yeah, I’m fine.
JIM: (CON’T) (Angry) No, actually I’m not! You saw what just happened. It was only due to some luck and quick thinking that I managed to get out of that situation without anyone getting hurt. But who knows about the next time? It could happen anytime, anywhere. And quite frankly I’m sick of it!
DWIGHT: Well, what are you going to do?
JIM: I’m leaving town. I’ve had enough of Denningsville. I want a fresh start someplace new. Maybe it’s time for me to leave Black Mesa too. I just need to get the hell out before something worse happens.
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY]
(JIM, PAM, DWIGHT, STANLEY, PHYLLIS, ANDY, ANGELA, OSCAR, KEVIN, ERIN, DARRYL, TOBY, MEREDITH, CREED, KELLY, and RYAN are seated.)
KATE: Michael, you’re being promoted to head of security because of your leadership skills. That means you have to be our leader now. You need to take charge of everything here. This is YOUR show now, not theirs!
KATE: (shocked) What?
RYAN: This isn’t his show. This is our show. We’re all equals here. You can’t expect him to start bossing us around like he’s some kind of military general. That’s not what this show is about.
PAM: Actually, Ryan’s right. We should all be equals.
JIM: (smirks) If I were you, I’d keep my mouth shut.
JIM: You know what? I’m not saying anything else. This whole thing is stupid.
He leaves the room in a huff and slams the door. Oscar follows shortly after him.
MICHAEL: Well, looks like we lost two. That’s fine. The rest of you are fine with me being the leader right?
Everyone nods their heads except for Ryan who remains still.
PAM: Well, I’m with Jim and Oscar on this one. I don’t think we should have a leader. We’ve been doing just fine so far without one.
ERIN: But don’t you think that Jim is sort of right? Like, he is the most knowledgeable about everything.
KATE: (getting frustrated) Why is everyone siding with Jim? This isn’t a democracy! I thought we were all equal here!
JIM: We are. I’m not suggesting we have a king or anything like that. I just think we should have a collective say in major decisions that affect the way the office is run. I’m just saying that everyone should have a voice.
(PAM rolls her eyes.)
MICHAEL: You guys can bicker all you want outside of the conference room, but we need to make a decision right now. So, once and for all, is it going to be me or is it going to be Jim as the head of security?
(Everyone looks around at each other. Finally…)
(MICHAEL gets up from his seat and hands the keys to the security guard office over to JIM.)
JIM: Thanks. I’ll take good care of it. And I won’t be locking the emergency exit door anymore. I’ll leave that up to you, Oscar. (He turns towards the rest of the office) Well everyone, now that that’s settled we can get back to work. I’m sure there’s a lot to do around here.
JIM exits the conference room. Everyone else starts to get up and leave as well.
The Office 04×20 “Scranton”
Written by Paul Lieberstein and Mindy Kaling
[INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN – DAY]
(JIM, PAM, DWIGHT, STANLEY, PHYLLIS, ANDY, ANGELA, OSCAR, KEVIN, ERIN, DARRYL, TOBY, MEREDITH, CREED, KELLY, and RYAN are seated. MICHAEL enters the room laughing uncontrollably.)
MICHAEL: This is great! I can’t believe this. (He starts to laugh so hard he has a seizure)
PAM: Oh my God… Michael, are you alright? You’re having a seizure.
MICHAEL: No! It’s fine! I’m just having an epileptic fit. (He stops laughing) Look at me. Look at what I’ve become. A pathetic old man who can barely get a girl pregnant and whose only accomplishment in life is being married to that one time-saver of a wife. And look where we are now… (he begins to cry again) Look where we are now…
KATE: What happened?
MICHAEL: I lost my job. My company went under. The government seized our farm because they said it was contaminated with some sort of deadly virus. They took everything… including my beautiful wife. (He continues crying) She’s gone, and she never came back… (he breaks down completely) I love her so much… but I don’t have anything left anymore!
(Suddenly, the door opens and a pretty young woman enters the room. Everyone looks at her.)
ROSE: I don’t believe it… It is you! Michael Scott!
MICHAEL: Oh God… (he stands up and hugs her)
KATE: Who is this?
ROSE: I’m Rose. We were high school sweethearts. We used to talk for hours about our dreams and aspirations…
KATE: Oh… How romantic.
ROSE: Yeah, we were. I was so sad when we had to say goodbye. I cried for weeks. I had no idea he became a successful business man. When I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it! But now that I see him, it all makes sense. I can see him as the powerful man he is.
KATE: (rolls eyes)
ROSE: You are even more attractive than you were in high school.
MICHAEL: Thank you.
ROSE: So, how did you lose your company and your wife?
MICHAEL: Rose! I don’t want to talk about it. (sniffle)
ROSE: Okay… we don’t have to. But I’m here for you, if you need me.
(Rose puts her arm around Michael, who smiles weakly. Everyone else in the room is stunned by this sudden turn of events.)
KATE: Wow… I’m really glad you found each other. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a long walk off a short pier. (She leaves)
JIM: Well, I guess I’ll go congratulate my fiancee. (He leaves)
RYAN: I’m going to try and finish my degree. (He leaves)
OSCAR: I’m going to live a long and happy life. (He leaves)
KEVIN: I’m going to go… go… go be in a place. (He leaves)
STANLEY: Me too. (He leaves)
TOBY: I’m going to go fill out that complaint form. (He leaves)
ANGELA: I’m going to go find my baby daddy and make sure he takes care of my daughter. (She leaves)
DARRYL: Wow… I guess everything really does happen for a reason. (He leaves)
(MICHAEL, ROSE, and JIM are left in the room.)
JIM: Well, I guess that’s it. We’re finished here. The Office is closed for business.
ROSE: I guess we don’t need to worry about it anymore.
JIM: Nope, we sure don’t. So what do you want to do now?
ROSE: Well, I guess there’s a few options. We could travel the world. We could stay in Scranton and enjoy the simple life. We could just stay here and relive old memories…
JIM: Or… we could do all that, and also manage this office. (Rose looks at him in disbelief) We own it. We could do whatever we want with it.
ROSE: I love the idea of running this place, but I never thought you’d be into it.
JIM: Well, I’ve learned that life is too short for regrets. And if there’s one thing I regret… it’s not telling you how I feel sooner. (He gets down on one knee) Rose — will you marry me?
ROSE: (smiling from ear to ear) Yes! Yes, I will!
(JIM and ROSE embrace and kiss. They are now married and ready to start a new life together. They have both learned many things along the way, but the most important thing they’ve learned is that life is too short not to take risks and grab the brass ring. And that my friends, is how The Office ends. The end.)